TEDxHouston - Brené Brown on Vulnerability

I loved this TED talk by Researcher, Brene Brown, phD Social Work.

Key points (taken directly from her talk):

Wholehearted people have a strong sense of worthiness and are the most content. They exhibit:
- a sense of courage (courage to be imperfect)
- compassion (kind to themselves first, then to others)
- connection (as a result of living authentically)
- vulnerability (eg. a willingness to do something when there's no guarantee; investing in a relationship that may or may not work out)

Our society has a bad habit of numbing vulnerability. We are the most in-debt, obese, medicated and addicted adult cohort in human history. When we attempt to numb the negative emotions (shame, fear, grief, disappointment, anxiety, etc.) we also numb the positive (joy, gratitude, happiness, love, creativity, faith, belonging, etc.).

We need to:
- love with our whole hearts
- practice gratitude
- believe that we're enough
- honour the ordinary (our kids, family, community, nature)

Christmas Gifts - to gift or not?

Inspired by comments from www.hithatsmybike.com

The question is whether to gift or not?

I went through a phase of "Don't buy me any gifts!" AKA: "I don't need anything and I don't want any more crap." I now realise that this reaction was a selfish one. My action was in fact a reaction to my guilt felt from excessive consumerism by myself and society. I was trying to do what I could to make a difference in the world by trying to use less resources.

However, I was really denying those that love me the chance to show their love. We all put some thought into what we gift. By giving gifts, we show our gratitude, value and love.

That's not to say that we can't be creative. Everyone enjoys receiving something that they don't have - cash for the cash-strapped, time from the overcommitted, or babysitting for parents. Bigger is not better. And, we all eat and drink. Tea, wine, coffee or a home-cooked meal (how divine!) would rank high on my gift list.

We can create change in the world by giving thoughtful gifts. It's the emotion behind the gift-giving that is important.

This year, I have been fortunate enough to receive priceless Christmas decorations from my sons. I witnessed their delight and pride as they eagerly awaited our discovery of their home-made items that had consumed their time, creativity, and love. Now THAT is consumption that is meaningful.

More Secrets from Dr. David Sobel

Some interesting statistics he mentioned:
- naps less (but NOT more) than 60 mins. decrease heart attack risk in men by 30-50%
- frequent annual vacations decrease your cardiovascular risk
- pets increase happiness
- people who eat candy (not explained, but likely dark chocolate) have a 27% decrease in relative risk of death
- sex and red wine, not surprisingly, increase happiness (sex - as much as you can get; red wine - 1 glass/day for females and 2 for men)
- emotional well-being and happiness increase as household income increases up to $75K and then stabilizes!! (more money does not equate with more happiness); in fact, money can increase one's tendency to take the small pleasures of daily life for granted
- the ability to savour predicts happiness (more able to savour, more happiness)
- experiences result in more happiness as compared to material goods
- buying gifts for others or giving to charity is associated with greater happiness

You can change your thinking to one of an optimist by:
- remembering the positives of past events
- seeing threats as challenges and problems to be solved
- focusing on the present
- believing that your actions can make a difference
- savouring the small stuff (keep a gratitude journal, write thank you notes)

Good luck and be sure to send me your thank you notes!

The Secrets to Happiness

I confess - It's been 2.5 months since my last blog. Time flies when you're doing things you love to do. Don't wait until tomorrow (it's always today), or retirement, or when you have more money. Live life without regrets.

I just attended a Family Medicine conference in Kauai (I know, rough life). My generous parents babysat our children while my husband and I had ONE WEEK OFF FROM OUR REGULAR LIVES. We did things we used to do pre-children: went for a bike ride, ate breakfast and dinner together, lay in bed, had showers EVERY DAY, slept for 10 hours straight. And, things we've never done: rode around in a convertible Mustang while gazing up at the gorgeous stars, snorkelled (in a swimming pool - hee, hee), ate shaved ice in rainbow colours, ordered drinks AND EXPENSIVE FOOD poolside, bought cruise wear (who does that?!), discovered and enjoyed quaint local cafes (thanks Garmin).

There was also a fabulous lecture by Dr. David Sobel MD, MPH. I will summarize his keynote.

Determinants of happiness are comprised of: 50% genetics (uncontrollable), 10% circumstances and events (uncontrollable) and 40% thoughts and actions (CONTROLLABLE). Forty percent control is a huge chunk of power!

Secrets to being happy are: 1) Sensuality (smell, touch, taste, and having a functioning brain), 2) Optimism, and 3) Altruism.

So, if you're feeling down in the dumps, try improving on any one of the aforementioned areas. For example, do something for someone else, hold someone's hand, don't let your mind wander but enjoy the moment, and always remember it could be worse. Your mood will thank you, you will live a longer life, and each day will feel like a gift rather than a chore.

What a scripted day!

- 2 hours of playing Harry Potter (must learn spell to unfreeze myself), Thomas the train, and matchbox cars (can you believe the big semi consistently beat the svelte porsche?)
- support letter written, financial statements signed, Grant for SSMDO handed in for Community Initiatives Program by gifted Grant Writer "B" *fingers crossed*
- off to meeting to determine fate of part-time job #1
- 1.5 hour meeting ends in decision to resign but most importantly relationships are repaired
- meet supportive husband for quick coffee (he knew the right decision all along but let me discover it on my own)
- speak to great friend about our new visions: his finance, mine socialist
- pick-up son, mom (me) unsuccessful at making balloon animal, son sad but diverted by yogurt and juice snack
- pick-up other son and play in park: glorious leaves and sunshine!
- speak with committee members about fundraising event
- speak with another great friend who is ecstatic that my child care resolution is moving forward
- discover son just fell in pond, luckily a warm day and didn't get his library books wet
- dinner prepared by choice husband, delicious but of course kids eat minimally
- well deserved piece of chocolate caramel cake for XX house rep

My 2 cents on Child Care

I have faced the huge challenge of work/life balance for 7 years since my eldest's birth. If high quality part-time daycare was accessible, it would've significantly reduced my child care challenges.

I want the best child care for my child. When delivering my own child care, I gain personal growth, self-esteem, satisfaction of rising to the challenge, and the learning of new skills. As well, I have completed 24 years of education and want the best for myself. I desire the personal growth, self-esteem, satisfaction of rising to the challenge, and use of my trained skills that career brings.

Parents will always remain the most influential and important people in nurturing and promoting a child's development. However, to be the best parent that we can be, parents need support. With the recent changes that find extended families typically distributed around the world, the nuclear family is solely responsible for solving its own child care needs. A compounding problem is that community spirit is at an all-time low. This makes it difficult to know your neighbours let alone trust them with helping you care for your most precious commodity.

As a society, we need to determine if supporting the growth and safety of our most precious commodity is a priority. If so, we need to explore and determine solutions to help support our nuclear families with the difficult challenge of childrearing.

It really does take a village to raise a child and currently the village is absent.

My Dr. Seuss moment

I just met this fabulous woman.  She is energetic, passionate, optimistic and excellent at implementation.  I have the occasional zany idea that seems to grow and grow and then spontaneously combust.  It's a repetitive pattern.  I like to think that I'm an "ideas person".  But deep down I fear that I'm just bad at follow-through.

The great thing about this fabulous woman is that she LOVES ideas!  My ideas, your ideas, any ideas;  she wants to hear them all.  She validates then questions then inspires more ideas!!

But even better than that, is that she's skilled at putting these ideas into action.  "Oh, the places we'll go!"

Darth Vader Saves the Day

The rain stopped 50 minutes before the show was to go on.  We quickly dressed in our rain gear, loaded up the stroller with juice and candy, and headed to the outdoor symphony showcasing John Williams' greatest hits.

We set up our blanket on the edge, behind the garbage can, where we wouldn't bother too many of the older patrons.  Candy was handed out and the sun was trying to make an appearance.  The music began and we listened, without event, to Superman, Memoirs of a Geisha and Hook.  Despite Karen Gomyo's superb violin playing, the 3 pieces from Schindler's List were not quite as enticing for the boys.  They started rolling down the hill, which then progressed into bumping into one another which elevated to pushing, shoving and grabbing.  Before a brawl broke out, I escorted No. 2 around the perimeter of the grounds while No. 1 was sent to the blanket.  I feared that we were unlikely to experience the second half.

However, intermission and Lord Darth Vader followed suit.  My sons were in awe of Darth in full costume.  We made our way down the aisle for a glimpse.  Their eyes have never been bigger nor have they ever been as quiet as they were while shaking Darth's hand.  They later exclaimed, "He even breathed like Darth!"

And just like that, Darth Vader had saved the day!  Following the meet and greet with Darth, I witnessed my eldest son's glee and delight when he recognized "Harry's Wondrous World" from Harry Potter.  I laughed and swayed as they both danced and conducted the orchestra to Fiddler on the Roof.  I joined in as they loudly hummed Darth Vader's theme, "The Imperial March".

And that's what life's like with little kids.  One minute is chaos, the next is pure joy with your heart bursting.

Glad Plan A worked out

Day 8 of 10 of single parenting.  I am blogging whilst my littlest son hums Star Wars and plays with lego.  The bigger one is in the house somewhere doing something, likely mischievous.  Have already made porridge, changed a wet bed (I'm so tired I forgot to put littlest son's diaper on last night), took LRT to market to market to buy a fat pig home again home again jiggity jig, made lunch, did the dishes x 2, went to a kite flying festival and am gearing up for dinner and Symphony Under the Sky to hear the Star Wars theme (don't tell them I'm secretly hoping for rain).

What have I learned:  it is REALLY hard to be a single parent and it's almost impossible to have any time for yourself (maybe 30 minutes before you pass out on the bed with all your clothes on), little kids are laborious (I compare my life now to pre-kids and it feels like 100x the work,  okay, maybe 10x in real numbers but multiplied by another 10 when exhausted), I am super happy I didn't have to opt for plan B which was to use an anonymous sperm donor and live on a commune, and lastly, I have new appreciation for my husband and can't wait for my well-deserved 2 week spa holiday - ha, ha!!

Learning Styles of Children

Experts believe there are at least 7 types of intelligence:  musical, social, spatial, intrapersonal, bodily-kinesthetic, linguistic and logical-mathematical.  This means there are 7 ways to learn!  This is great news for those of us with children who are non-traditional learners.

Ways to recognize and nurture your child's intelligence:  notice what kids like to do when they have free time, expose them to a wide range of activities but discuss that they're in it for the duration, build self-esteem, and guide but don't push.

This is taken from:
http://www.miamiherald.com/2010/08/21/1783792_p2/spotting-and-nurturing-your-childs.html

Summer holidays

Summer holidays = unfamiliar place + absence of essential home perks (Harry Potter dvds, internet, bath toys, bikes, chalk, LRT, choice of granola bars/nutrigrains/bran bars/bran bites/crunchers, Bernard Callebaut semi-sweet chocolate wafers, CBC radio 2) + time change + mediocre weather + nil playdates = exhausted parents in need of a holiday

My husband's words of wisdom:  Holidays are about creating memories, not necessarily about having fun.

Dear Grandparents

Fresh off the family vacation trail...almost.  Drove 7 1/2 hours today with another 2 hours and 22 minutes to go tomorrow.  Pit stop now at my mom and dad's home.  Oh how I appreciate the set table, the prepared meal, the attendance to my children's handwashing and spills, while I just sit and watch and feast. 

A word to all grandparents:  the best gift you can give to your grown children is to take care of their children.  The sanity break is much appreciated.  It can range from 15 minutes for a bath or shower to 2 hours for a dinner out, or even a weekend to contribute to a real rarity: couple time.

I am completely spoiled and my parents are crazy enough to occassionally agree to a week!  It rejuvenates myself and my husband and we're ready to take on more months with renewed vigor.  My parents claim to love every minute of it and I half believe them. 

I know it is incredibly hard work with some laughs thrown in the mix.  I am very grateful for my parents' help and I hope to someday return the favour to my own children (and maybe even to some of my good friends if they're really nice to me).

Birthday Haiku

Celebrate my birth
I will dance, sing, laugh, and feast
Kisses wet my cheeks.

Retirement - NOT!

Saw a financial advisor today.  He asked me at what age I want to retire?  Interestingly, at least to myself, I said "never".  I often answer questions without thinking (sometimes to the detriment of myself and others).  I then have to do damage control when I witness the person's reaction.

My advisor's reaction was one of surprise, skepticism, and impatience.  I could read his mind and he was thinking, "Seriously?  Who doesn't want to retire?  Why doesn't she just answer the question?  This isn't a comedy sketch.  Let's get down to business!"

But I AM serious!  I felt an explanation was necessary.  I told him that I have created a life that I am happy living every day.  I do not live for holidays.  Holidays are wonderful, of course, and I do take them and enjoy them.  But, to me, it makes more sense to pace yourself and create a life that you can handle day-to-day over the long-term.  I leave jobs when they become monotonous or find ways to make old jobs interesting again.  I love to learn!  And, I acknowledge that I am fortunate to be in a position to have the freedom to choose.

Several of my friends were on the "5-year plan".  They planned to work really, really hard and then let up and enjoy their riches.  Well, guess what?  They have now surpassed the 10-year plan with no end in sight and are working as hard as ever.  Once your life is set up to work as hard as you possibly can, while taking the odd holiday to "recover",  it is difficult, if not impossible, to rewind the gears and work less.  It can be done but it is a challenge.  As well, the ill-effects on your health are obvious.

My advice (which is a mantra when prescribing to the elderly):  "START LOW.  GO SLOW."  It's much easier to increase your workload than to decrease it.  Don't start off overextended as soon as you're out of the gate.

Kidless and Fancy-free

I have been without my kidlets for 26 hours.

I have experienced much:  a leisurely shower, an uninterrupted conversation with my husband, dinner out, a fundraiser at the art gallery paired with chocolate gelato, several LRT rides (lovin' my July transit pass), sleeping in on a Sunday morning, perusing the paper while sipping coffee and nibbling cinnamon buns, a bike ride to campus to watch Spain defeat Netherlands for the World Cup championship (woot!), completion of my recent copies of Elle (bordeaux and tangerine are "THE" colours for fall) and Chatelaine (time to get rid of friends who make you feel like crap), some sushi for din din, followed by a relaxing B-A-T-H (these days only a biannual occurrence).

Is it true that one only appreciates free time when one has no free time?  I'm singing Joni Mitchell's tune:

Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got til it's gone.
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

My current paradise is freedom and it has been returned to me for a few days.  It is sweeter than sweet.  I am savouring it now because my heart will soon be aching for my absent children.  It's come as an unexpected surprise, but they are my true paradise.

Divorce - good or bad?

I asked a friend the other day if a mutual friend was single and she responded, "She's divorced."  Me:  "But is she single?"  Friend:  "Oh.  Yes, she is."  My conclusion:  one's experience affects the connotation of the word divorce.

My Divorce Story:

I was married after 2nd year med school to my first boyfriend.  I had huge doubts but felt an obligation to everyone but myself to continue down a path that I thought was my destiny.  I did not find the strength to leave this relationship until mid-way through my final year of residency. 


The first few months of separation were very difficult.  Soon after I told my husband that I wanted a separation, I left for a 6 week Obstetrical elective in a rural centre.  I was alone and living in a gloomy, abandoned, old wing of a rural hospital in the midst of a Canadian deep-freeze.  That January we set a record for the number of consecutive days (I think about 13!) that the mean temperature was -30oC.  The loneliness was initially overwhelming and I constantly questioned my decision to leave the relationship.  But, after some time, I started to feel slightly better each day.  

Ultimately, I was fortunate to be alone for 6 weeks with forced time to contemplate my past relationship intermixed with the joy and excitement of attending deliveries on my own.  I learned a lot about myself in those few weeks.

As an overachiever, I viewed my divorce as the biggest failure of my life. In hindsight, I celebrate the strength, courage and belief in self that allowed me to leave behind the security of marriage for the anxiety-provoking unknown.  My actions resulted in less pain, more happiness and a bit of wisdom.


The word divorce, for me, is bittersweet.  It came with feelings of disappointment and sadness.  But after the grief, came feelings of relief, peace, and hope.  And how can that be a bad thing?

How to Decrease the Rate of Brain Atrophy

Lots has happened in the past month.

I have discussed child care challenges that physicians face with the Alberta Medical Association, with the intent of presenting this challenge (with solutions) to the provincial government. If physicians can't access quality child care, patients have difficulty accessing their doctors.

I have taken on a Board Position at play school and am helping to organize the major fundraiser at Elementary school.

I went on a fabulous trip with my ex-nanny, now great friend, to Quebec City, and was touched by the personal stories of patients at a psychosocial oncology conference.

I grieved at an art therapy workshop.

I saw the momentous Elton John ballet, ate gelato on the terrace of the most beautiful building in Edmonton while "winning" some art, played poker after a decade of not, told my little son a "story with my mouth" and drank up his belly laughs, watched my eldest catch raindrops in his mouth while skipping down the soccer field (he didn't score), and was lifted up by my husband's kind and supportive eyes when I crashed and burned live on stage.

My mom always said I had a bad habit of "burning the candle at both ends". I like to reframe it as, "If you rest, you rust." (Helen Hayes)

"Be the Change You Want to See in the World" - Gandhi

"I always wondered why somebody didn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody." - Lily Tomlin

My parents have both been avid volunteers throughout their lives despite full-time jobs, University upgrades, two young children, and financial hardships. They continue to volunteer with multiple organizations in their "retirement" (from their paid jobs). They would tell you that their rewards have been and are many.

My time has come. I stepped up for a 2 year board position as VP, followed by President. It seems that there is never a "good time" to volunteer. It's a similar dilemma to that of choosing when to have children. We all lead busy lives no matter what stage of life we find ourselves in. As Teddy Roosevelt said, "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."

Various responses to my new commitment have been mixed: "We all need to take our turn", "It's not too late to resign", "If you want something done, ask a busy person", "Studies show that being involved improves your child's performance", and " You need to learn how to say 'no'."

Yes, I will have less time for myself. Perhaps, I will even have to decrease my paid work hours and decrease my family time to meet my new commitments. But these are sacrifices that will be met with the learning of new skills, the satisfaction of contributing to something I believe in, and the development of friendships.

Like immunizations, we can ride on the coattails of others and benefit from herd immunity or we can choose to do all for the greater good; both options come with pros and cons. Ultimately, we are not martyrs. Our choices are made because they bring us personal gains. As a wise man once told me, even Mother Teresa did what she did because it made her feel good.

I close with a quote from John Ruskin, "The highest reward for a person's work is not what they get for it, but what they become because of it."

Discovering My Passion - RESULTS section

Hello again,

I felt an update was due on my quest to discover my passion.

Since last blog, I have done my Myers Briggs personality assessment, I have completed "The Element" by Ken Robinson, I have reviewed my old journals, and I have questioned friends.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, there is no consensus.

I love people, and learning, and cooking, and wine, and chocolate, and dancing, and finger painting, and a good book, and taking photographs, and conversations, and leaves rustling in the wind, and challenges, and parties, and bike riding, and the pine scent of a forest, and my sons' smiles, and my husband's eyes, and balloons, and music, and hummingbirds, and championing the underdog.

Conclusion: My passion is life.

Passion

That Jim Yih www.sliceofjim.blogspot.com and I are on the same wavelength. I too have been thinking about finding your passion.

I just started reading "The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything" by Ken Robinson Ph.D. (From the Publisher: The element is the point at which natural talent meets personal passion. When people arrive at their element, they feel most themselves and most inspired, and achieve at their highest levels.)

So, I am in search of my passion. Chocolate: check; Wine: check; housekeeping: no; Olympic athlete: definitely not secondary to my plantar fasciitis and my bad hip; best bass guitarist in the universe: nope, flea already has this title; DJ: a possibility but my only gigs will be at nursing homes; blogging: unfortunately for you, dear reader, no.

I am at a loss. I have only finished Chapter 1 but K. Robinson implies that my passion will not feel like work because it is my passion. So far, it feels like a lot of work trying to identify my passion.

Entropy is Inevitable

Two decades ago, I took a mandatory biophysical chemistry course. Two things remain ingrained: 1) classmates are not happy when they sit down on toothpaste that has been squeezed onto their seats by Kim and Sam 10 minutes prior to class start (it WAS April Fool's day!) and 2) entropy.

Entropy is disorder or chaos. Entropy of the universe will always increase over time according to the second law of thermodynamics (thanks about.com). Entropy is why we must constantly tidy our homes and kids' faces, repair our roads, and tend our gardens.

I love order and I generally feel that entropy is my inevitable enemy. However, it is freeing when I consider my own concept of entropy applied to ageing. I envision all of the ordered processes within my body naturally approaching a state of disorder with eventual death and equilibrium.

Ageing is a continuous process that can not be halted (despite what cosmetic surgeons tell us). Muscle and bone mass is lost. The body shrinks. Skin thins and loses its elasticity. Organs decline in function.

Entropy will always win. All to be done is to laugh and graciously accept defeat.