Gimme the Snail!

I am not a crafty person. I am not a patient person. So who signed me up for card making?

I attended my first, and likely last, card making party. Don't get me wrong, there were fun moments. My friend, Liz, enticed me with her great company and wine. However, my competitive, or shall we say, efficient nature, took over.

Challenge #1 - someone broke the corkscrew

Challenge #2 - learning the lingo: embellish (glue a bow on), dimensionalize (put a 2-sided pillowy sticker on the back of your cut-out to pop it off the page 2 mm), snail (glue), punch (to use a cutting machine with cookie cutter-like parts to pop out shapes), crystallize (using fancy glitter glue), seasonal shades (marketing to entice you to buy new colours 4 times a year)

Challenge #3 - finish 3 sets of 4 cards in 2 hours

GO!!!

Station 1 - Task: to punch 20 alphabetical letters and 8 shapes. Our group has 4 people, 1 punch, and 1 snail. Quickly, one person jumps ship to a more interesting station. Great! (only 2 others to share with). I decisively lunge for the punch. No time for design. I grab the closest 20 sheets of paper and punch, punch, punch. Woot! 15 minutes down and I'm on a roll. Locate the snail, review operation of snail with project manager, and glue, glue, glue. Looking good - only 25 minutes have passed. OH NO!! Forgot to punch the cupcake pieces. A definite major setback and to the back of the line I must go and wait, and wait, and wait. The next group is eyeing the punch. I snatch it away and get my cupcakes cut. I shout, "Gimme the snail!" and then a little more sheepishly, "Only, of course, if you're done with it." Some glares are shot my way. No time for niceties or embellishments. I've used up 60% of allotted time but have only 33% finished product. Adios Station 1. I'm done with you.

Station 2 - Task: to stamp, crystallize, rip, and dimensionalize. Time to catch up. I am a few minutes ahead of my other team members and jubilant that I, alone, will have the sole use of the snail. I stamp 4 cards in under 2 minutes. I cut out 4 snowboard dudes in under 1.5 minutes. I rip paper to create snowbanks in 1 minute. I crystallize in less than 45 seconds. But something's missing?! Oh, yah, I need to dimensionalize! Where are the !@#$%^&* puffy stickers?? Some woman, who's been chatting away her valuable production time, has her supplies on top of the puffy stickers. I bat my eyelashes and sweetly request the puffy stickers, you know, if it's not too much trouble. The seconds tick away like hours as I gag the demon inside from shouting, "Gimme the f@#$%^&'n puffy stickers! I need to dimensionalize!!!!!!" Stickers handed over and 3.5 seconds later I'm DONE!!!

Station 3 - Task: to punch 12 ornaments, create the illusion of dangling from a tree, stamp roll a decoration along the side of the card, and embellish with bows. I have few precious minutes left before deadline. I have made up some time at Station 2 but have 33% outstanding product with 15 % remaining time. I need to lower my scruples. I have observed that one woman is about to finish her FIRST set of 4 cards (time management skills?) and seems to have extra cut-outs. Those extra cut-outs could save me a good 20 minutes. In fact, it's really not stealing but instead, the environmentally conscious thing to do. I would be recycling her wasted excess. She agrees to the donation and I knock off 2.5 cards in 7.5 minutes. I punch 5 more ornaments, draw 12 strings, and roll 4 stamp decorations in the blink of an eye. A little snail action, I embellish with bows, and my task is COMPLETE!!

I finally take the time to peruse my surroundings. No one else is close to done but everyone else is content and engaged in casual conversation. Hmmmm....I completed my deadline with 5 minutes to spare but fear that I missed the whole point of the exercise. Luckily, someone has fixed the corkscrew.

The S Word

I volunteered in Grade 1 this week. I had completed several of my tasks - photocopying, helping children with math problems, teetering high up on shelves balancing between stacks of books stapling spelling words to the bulletin board, and writing out addresses for letters to Santa (aaaaaaaaaaaaah!). I was preparing for the story I was about to read to the class, "A Monster Wrote Me a Letter Today", when a boy ran over to me and said, "Your son just said the S Word!"

I immediately called out my son's name and gave him the "Let me look into your soul to see if you are lying" stare down. Instantly, I knew that the accusation was true. When did my baby learn the S word? I began to replay the week's events. I am not a swearer but had I absent-mindedly said SH*T under my breath? There had been numerous opportunities to do so but nothing came to mind. My husband is also not a swearer so I couldn't blame this one on him. I then surveyed the 6 year olds sitting in front of me anticipating their story time. Which one was the bad apple? Maybe the new boy for whom English is his second language? Maybe the sweet girl with the mischievous grin? Nope. They all looked innocent. I let it pass and began reading the monster tale.

At the dinner table that night, when my husband asked how volunteering had gone, the subject returned to the forefront. I began lecturing my son on our family's nonacceptance of rude language. I really wanted to shout, "Who taught you the word SH*T, and has ruined my innocent misperception of you and launched your exposure to the negativity in this world that I, as a parent, will have to battle against?!" My son responded, "I know mom. It isn't nice to say the word STUPID." And with that, my innocent misperception is still intact.

How to be a good party guest

With the party season upon us, some tips on how to be a good guest:

1) Do not be Mr. or Ms. Soliloquy. I know you could talk forever on the type of toilet you're going to install in the basement bathroom, or your kid's latest puke story, or your favourite cleaning products, or even nuclear physics. But after a solid 10 minutes, it's time to share the glory and the conversation.

2) Read people's body cues - yawning and droopy eyelids are bad. Try to spice things up with some Tom Cruise or Lindsay Lohan gossip (make something up as I'm sure they did it at some point and maybe even together!).

3) Wipe the wee off the toilet seat unless there's a kid close by that you can blame the mess on.

4) Be extra careful with red wine and white furniture. One misstep and you will always be "that guy that ruined the host's life and their overpriced Italian one-of-a-kind piece" and more importantly, you'll miss out on the free food and wine next party.

5) If the hosts are flossing, you've overstayed your welcome. Get out immediately and send a flowery thank you note ASAP.

6) 24 ounces in one person is too much!

7) And since I'm soon hosting, you can never go wrong with a hostess gift - even inedible cookies - because it's the thought that counts (and the guy who drank 24 oz. will eat them).